The Oatmeal Breakup

By: Christopher O’Brien

A man and a woman out to dinner at Red Lobster. The two haven’t said a word to each other since ordering their food. Tension running high. 

Woman: It’s not working out
Man: What’s not working out
Woman: Us.
Man: You mean me.
Woman: No, don’t put it like that. Listen, you’re great for me, honestly everything about you is perfect. It’s like, well it’s like you’re a bowl of oatmeal. You’re good for my heart, you’re the smart choice, but-
Man: But I’m boring.
Woman: No, you’re just… oatmeal.
Man: (pauses for a few seconds) Am I at least the flavor pack?