Give (Metta) World Peace a Chance!

The Oklahoma City Thunder vs. Los Angeles Lakers game on Sunday was an 82-game season in 48 minutes. There were games within the game, careers being redefined, the supposed end of world peace, and a Laker not named Andrew Bynum, or Pau Gasol, going for 14 and 15.

It was one of the most bizarre games I have ever watched and for those who missed it, let me try to make some sort of sense of what in the name of Metta-World-Peace took place.

For starters, let’s find the main storyline. None of the following made the cut:

  • Pau Gasol was an assist away from a triple double.
  • Serge Ibaka was three blocks away from the same accomplishment.
  • Kevin Durant and Kobe Bryant combined for 99 minutes, 44 seconds of court time.
  • Westbrook, Durant, and Kobe went a grand total (twos and threes included) of 29 for 99. 70 missed shots!
  • Andrew Bynum sat out the final 20 minutes of the games without being in foul trouble.
  • Jordan Hill played 35 minutes.
  • Devin Ebanks played 26.
  • The Lakers came back from an 18-point deficit.
  • Kobe hit a one-legged three pointer that 45-year-old men make once a decade in driveway h-o-r-s-e games

Hell, Kendrick Perkins broke a guy’s nose and he’s not even honorable mention.

No, this game was all about Metta World Peace clobbering James Harden in the head.

It was a bizarre play and immediately after it happened all of the announcers, analysts, tweeters were suddenly referring to World Peace as Ron Artest again. That lasted for about five minutes before people realized the full World Peace pun potential.

By the way, the NBA officially owns Twitter. If you have a Twitter page open during any major NBA game, at least six out of the ten trending topics are NBA related.

For example, during the Artest ejection, even announcer Mike Breen’s name started gaining momentum. This means thousands of people at once Googled, “Who’s the white NBA announcer on ABC not named Van Gundy?” just so they could tweet: Mike Breen sux.

I think Kobe has Twitter figured out perfectly. His approach is simple: Don’t get one. The bulk of Dwight Howard’s fiasco this year was related to his inability to avoid clicking his “Mentions” button and LeBron James would be much better off not having to see millions of people make, “He has three quarters, get it, cuz he can’t play in the fourth quarter!” jokes year round.

On the other hand, Chris Kaman (@ChrisKaman) has a phenomenal Twitter feed. He has 27,000 followers (perspective, LeBron has 4.5 million) and has photo-shopped Chewbacca’s face onto his own. He tweets about alligators and goes right at the people who attack him via tweet.

Case and point, @Sir_Toddrick13, who describes himself as: that nerdy guy…(Hopefully) a 1st year law student this fall…And i have a Rap Blog, check it out. Follow! recently tweeted, “#NBAPlayersgoingbald Chris Kaman.”

Now, there’s a couple interesting things here with @Sir_Toddrick13. First, I’m curious if Sir_Toddrick 1-12 were already taken. Second, I really think his “Rap Blog” will ultimately help get him into law school.

Harvard Law School Registrar, “We weren’t sure about your law school credentials, but when we saw you had a Rap Blog too it really pushed your resume over the top.”

Normally, these tweets from regular person to celeb get lost in the Twittersphere. For instance, Sir_Toddrick13 tweeted the same “#NBAPlayersgoingbald” line at Carlos Boozer, Corey Brewer, and Carl Landry and was ignored by each one of them.

But not with Chris Kaman. Oh no, Kaman doesn’t hide his emotions.

Chris Kaman, “Well that’s obvious u douche!”

Like an obnoxious heckler in a comedy club, Toddrick was immediately shocked, unsure how to respond, but apparently… honored?

After gathering his thoughts, Toddrick replied, “s/o to Chris Kaman for responding to my tweet. Haha”

In case you are unfamiliar with Twitter, you are only allowed a maximum of 140 characters per tweet. Therefore, you have to use things like “s/o” for shout-out to still have letters leftover for the “Haha” at the end of the tweet.

Just to make sure we are all on the same page here, Toddrick thanked Chris Kaman for calling him a douche. It makes me wonder what would have happened if Kaman hunted down Toddrick’s home address, showed up at his front door, and punched Toddrick in the face. Would Toddrick still rush to his computer and tweet, “s/o to Chris Kaman for breaking my nose! #NBAPlayersgoneMad”

Unwilling to let Kaman bully Toddrick around, @Ostatebucksvp79 hero’d himself into the action by tweeting, “@ChrisKaman your a real DB to some of your followers on here sometimes. maybe try to be a little nicer!” DB meaning douchebag, remember only 140 characters, he already had to switch “you’re a real” to “your a real” at the beginning for space concerns.

Kaman’s response:

“Sorry Douche!”

@Ostatebucksvp79 was less than thrilled and responded back with a simple, “Asshole” tweet.

Which brings us back to our main topic. How would Metta World Peace handle himself on Twitter after the elbow seen ‘round the world?

First Tweet:

@MettaWorldPeace:

Hope James Hardin is ok… I remember when I hit by Marc Gasol the same way.. I was spitting up blood and a headache during the game…

Analysis: No better way to start an apology note than by misspelling the person’s last name. It shows that you are taking the time to apologize, but not TOO much time.

Things get a little confusing in sentence two, but I think he meant, “When I got hit by Marc Gasol.” By the end of sentence three, I find myself feeling sorry for Artest’s horrific injury and wanting Harden to stop being such a little baby.

One-upping like this is a great strategy that I like to use in both my apology letters as well as my get well soon cards. It really helps the person that I hurt feel better about themselves knowing that I have gone through something far more painful in my life. It makes me seem more relatable, more human.

Second Tweet:

@MettaWorldPeace:

I just watched the replay again….. Oooo.. My celebration of the dunk really was too much… Didn’t even see James ….. Omg… Looks bad

Analysis: I appreciate World Peace watching the replay again. I wonder where he got access to the footage, I can’t find it anywhere!

The “Oooo” is hard to interpret, but I think it sounds like this.

But it’s really big of World Peace to own up and admit his celebration was out of line. I’m ok with the elbow to the face, I mean, come on, that exact play wouldn’t even be a foul in the 1980’s NBA and in the NHL, pleeaaaase, that’s not even a whistle.

It’s the showboating that was out of line. Chest pounding like that after a dunk is unacceptable and will ultimately be the downfall of the NBA. If I were David Stern, I would suspend World Peace 1 game for the elbow and 75 for the “too much” celebration.

Ultimately, I think the last sentence in the Tweet hits the elbow right on the chin; it just looked bad. James was in Artest’s blind spot and, on top of that, when someone has that much facial hair it becomes really soft. You can’t feel the person’s head until you’ve completed your full follow through motion.

Besides, you put anything in super slow motion high definition like that and it’s bound to look bad. Remember in the 2006 World Cup when Zidane had his really bad sneeze?

Finally, Third Tweet:

@MettaWorldPeace:

Wow.. Didn’t really think Kendrick Perkins broke my nose…. Super sore… Basketball too emotional …….

Analysis: Ah ha! Now we have the true story!

The ex-Boston Celtic, Kendrick Perkins, who is obviously still bitter about being injured in Game 6 against the Lakers two years ago, is the real one to blame. Well, and as the wise Skip Bayless pointed out this morning, James Harden deserves some too. I’ll go Perkins 75 percent, Harden 24, Jack Nicholson 1.

The real problem, as World Peace says above, is basketball being too emotional. Why do we have to keep score and award winners and losers? Why can’t everyone, the Lakers, Thunder, and Bobcats alike be co-NBA Champions at the end of the year?

Why can’t we all just get along?

Why can’t we have a little World Peace?